Vent session from a lonely woman

When no one cares: vent session from a lonely woman.

I know its been a while, and I am not sure that anyone will even read this. I just wanted to vent. Lately, I have been unmotivated and depressed. I know its lame, (and I shouldn’t let others get to me), but is it bad that I just one someone to be proud of me? I am so sick of getting yelled at on a day to day basis. Everything is so up and down. I would settle for consistency at this point. People that claim that they “care” about me, their expressions tell a different story. I am trying so hard to accomplish my dreams (for my family) and it seems like no one cares. I try and share even the smallest things, but no one has the time of day to give me. The loneliness is starting to become me, and thats not who I am. I remember loving to smile, and loving to laugh. I remember each day being so bright and colorful. What happened to that? What happened to happiness? 

Hannah is my purpose. I try to be strong for my child. I truly do. She is 90% of the reason why I even bother trying.  She’s everything to me. I would give anything for her happiness. I just keep going for her. This might sound horrible, but how long after she turns 18 can I continue living for someone else? By then, she will have her own set of goals and her own future. That’s what I want for her. I want a future for her and thats why I am working so hard. 

There are times where I want to just lock myself in my art closet. Not even to create, just to sit in silence and cry. Right now, that sounds like paradise. Everyday I feel like, how can one person have screwed up their life so badly? I feel like that is all I do. Continue to mess up. After-all, if I was doing something right those that “care” about me would acknowledge it right. I thought in my adult life that might change. They never cared about any of my accomplishments. I meant nothing, and crazy thing is... I still mean nothing.  

I always tried to be Mrs. optimistic, but after four years of continuously trying, I might finally be giving up. It shouldn’t be surprising. It had always been on obstacle or bad luck after another. These are the moments you need uplifting, and what happens when there is no one there to uplift your spirits? Let’s face it, doing it myself is getting old! 

I thought getting a new/better job, going back to school, raising my child, and all the other positive things in my life would change things for me. I thought the grass might be a little greener on the other side, turns out, (this side) it’s still grass.