Jumbled emotions, running wild and ...I can't seem to find my smile.

I've noticed over the past few weeks my emotions have been getting the best of me. I have been feeling unmotivated, uninspired, overwhelmed and easily agitated. Whenever a situation has been presented to me, I've always been the one to think about each possible outcome and then react. As of lately, my reactions have become impulsive, and explosive. There are times where I even feel like I'm throwing my own pity party. Every time, someone I love tries to help me, I just push them away. It is a horrible feeling.

In the beginning, I thought maybe the Government shut down is starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself to obtain a job where I felt like I've actually "made it" in the world. My family and I celebrated the coming life change. I was so thankful that I was going to feel like I actually contributed to the family. Three days into my new position and the shut down occurs. That feeling of success was ripped from me. The worst feeling is that I cannot control what has happened. I can't even blame myself for the chain of events. Even if it's temporary, it feels like a loss. However, the more I dug into my emotions, I realized this feeling is definitely beyond work-related.

As I sank deeper, and the "dark cloud" over my attitude becomes larger. I feel so disappointed in myself because I know it could be much worse. I know how blessed I am, but I still can't help to feel this way. I search for the positives, but I still cannot seem to prevail. I wonder if this roller coaster is because of my sudden life changes over the past couple of years. A lot of big things have happened and due to lack of time, I haven't been able to address those emotions.

After blaming it on work didn't feel justified I moved onward to thinking about my responsibilities. Being a relatively new mom, with a new job, family, house, lessons/business/shop, and school (just to name a few) heavily rests on my shoulders. My mind starts to race and the questions in my conscious start to appear. "Am I loving them enough? Am I splitting my time evenly? Are they happy? Am I doing a good job at work? What will the new semester bring? Where is my inspiration? Why can't I make things all of a sudden?" The list goes on and on...

Also, I've given it thought that maybe I am working too much or doing too much at once. I haven't had much time to give back to myself. Heck, I haven't had time to myself at all. I feel like if I stop, the world around me will stop too. Whenever I start to feel like I catch a little time to myself I'm bombarded with another responsibility. If I refuse, I feel like I'm letting my world down. I feel like I am not being thankful because I'm not helping someone who has helped me. 

I know this blog is a little jumbled, but I couldn't find the right words for this feeling. I thought maybe if I got them all out, and read them back to myself I would feel better. The road to finding myself again, I guess? I've even had two panic attacks over the past couple of weeks. It's been so long since I've had one of those...and it also feels like forever since I've smiled or felt pride.I've decided the writing making or drawing it out would be a good start on the path to becoming "Krystal" again. I've been practicing (bowling) more too. I've looked into a few inexpensive leisure classes as well. Maybe I need a vacation? Maybe I need to go away for a bit so that I am able to "miss" the chaos of my life? 

My only worry? What if I don't miss it?

I hope that everyone has had a good start to their week. I hope that you are able to pull through your emotions. I know that everyone has moments of self-doubt and weakness. Whatever it is that you're facing, keep on pushing through. You will make it. In the end, it will all turn out okay. I hope.

Stay Thankful & As Always,

Artistically Yours

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